Courtesy of some psychology literature that was written in the late 70’s.

After blowing some old dust from this little gem, I continued to read and couldn’t help relate some of these behaviours to youth soccer.

Lets begin.

Self-esteem is often seen as something that players have or don’t have. Where having self-esteem is a great thing and leads to good things, while lacking it leads to bad things or failures.

What do you think?

Personally, this couldn’t be further from the truth. This belief, myth or hypothesis comes from a very limited view of how self-esteem works and how self-esteem is developed.

Self-esteem is not something we give to players by telling them how good they are.

“You’re great at shooting”

“You’re the best player in your age group”

“My son is the best player in the team.”

The belief that self-esteem can be passed on to young players is the reason WHY WE LIE TO OUR CHILDREN.

We exaggerate positives or good behaviour and sugar coat all the negatives whilst lying about inadequate performances or effort. Sound familiar?

The parents worst fear (and to some extent coaches) is that negative feedback or criticism will destroy a player’s self-esteem. It’s as though we’ve bought into some secret society or bullshit theory in which players require constant success to feel good about themselves.

God behold if something went wrong or your child didn’t get a jersey. Constant attempts to boost players EGO’s instead of boosting their efforts is a sure recipe for disaster and the status quo proves it.

Why hide their deficiencies?

Why hide their weaknesses?

How about we help them overcome their weaknesses and try to reinforce EFFORT and HARD WORK to overcome these obstacles instead of teaching them to hide through the bullshit feedback.

What message do we give our players/children when we give them sugar coated feedback and praise?

The message is clear if you ask me!

We tell them that having ability and winning is the most important thing and anything short of this needs to be hidden and even buried to protect the self-esteem.

Before I continue let me add this, praise, encouragement and sugar coated feedback “WORKS” in most cases. Telling your child/players they’re the best sure makes them feel good and it definitely adds a few inches to their self-esteem.

But at what cost?

Sugar coating or lying leads to a type of self-esteem that I despise, the type we call ENTITLEMENT, sigh!

There is nothing more destructive than easy drills and exaggerated praise for minor effort. What benefit, if any, does this create?

It creates players that will quit the game in despair because they feel entitled to all that soccer has to offer without the blood, sweat and tears.

When will these players learn about the elbow grease or the significance of clenched teeth?

An entitled self-esteem is a recipe for anger, disappointment, failure and inevitably self-doubt.

What happens to these players after all the sugar coating and the lies dry up? What happens to these players when there is no one there to praise them? What happens when soccer throws a spanner into the works? Do these entitled; artificially sweetened players have the equipment, balls and thick skin to proceed?

God help us if they get injured, rejected or benched.

After years of lies and exaggerated praise how do these players respond to adversity? How can they possibly know what to do when they have never confronted their weaknesses?

You’d think most parents would recognise that anything worthwhile would require and involve failed attempts, heartache and tears.

What’s wrong with making mistakes, tackling your weaknesses or even losing?

How about instructing from the heart and with a different framework. A framework where EFFORT and challenges are expected and ENJOYED, while setbacks, weaknesses and losses are seen as informative and challenging.

Your child can handle the truth, the question is, CAN YOU?

“May the winds of destiny blow you to the stars.”

Whether you like it or not, people, supporters, friends and coaches will all have something to say. They will comment on your game and performance.

Once you begin to play soccer, you’ll start getting feedback from all sorts of people. You will get advice, help, suggestions and even criticism.

The problem isn’t getting feedback but how you respond to it. As a player you have to be willing to respond to it.

Most players that receive criticism will drop their head or even worse, retaliate with some excuse or look to blame someone else.

A player that cannot respond to criticism or cannot accept it will eventually quit the game an unhappy person. Players that embrace criticism and feedback have the resources to become a better player and the potential to become a champion.

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions”.

Feedback comes in 2 different forms. Do you know what they are?

Feedback can either be positive or negative.

Everybody loves positive feedback from the 5 year olds attending their first clinic all the way to the most seasoned professionals. Positive feedback makes us feel good about ourselves. It’s a great indication that tells us that we are on the right track.

What about negative feedback? How do you deal with criticism?

Anyone here like negative feedback?

If you play soccer long enough the chances are you will receive plenty of criticism and a truckload of negative feedback. If you are like the majority of the soccer population this negative feedback would result in unhappiness, conflict and to some extent mental anguish.

But you’re not like the majority of the soccer population.

Are you?

When your form is good and your performances reflect this, everything is great. The positive feedback you receive is deserved and a great way to add a few inches to your ego.

But what happens when your form deserts you. When supporters start to get impatient with you and the coach decides to bench you. How do you feel?

No player likes to be criticized. However, there is more to learn from constructive criticism.

Without getting over dramatic and causing a riot, negative feedback is just a simple way of letting you know that you’re on the wrong track. You could be doing something wrong or your technique might need improving. Don’t you think this information is valuable? Don’t you think this criticism is designed to help you improve as a player?

The simplest way to become a great player is to change your views on negative feedback or criticism. Negative feedback is valuable so it’s a good idea to listen to it. This information gives rise to improvement opportunities that you’re probably not aware of.

The coach, supporters and/or friends are telling you how to improve. Coaches don’t criticize you to make you feel miserable. They’re teaching you and passing down years of experience. So listen up!

This might be a surprise to most, but to improve as a player you must welcome, acknowledge and embrace all feedback and criticism. All you have to do as a player is to take action and respond to your feedback.

“You ran out of legs in the second half”.

Solution- Work on your fitness and stamina.

Excuse- But we didn’t have possession of the ball.

“Your direct opponent scored twice and you didn’t even mark him”.

Solution- Practice defending and man marking. It’s not glamorous by any stretch of the imagination but neither is sitting on the bench.

Excuse- I wasn’t getting any support from my midfielders or defenders.

The feedback you receive is a true indication of your performance.

You need to stop making excuses and blaming others.

The answers to your problems are simplistic and can be found in your feedback if you’re honest with yourself.  Learn to accept criticism on the chin and before you know it your playing ability will improve. It’s also character building to learn how to absorb the negatives and turn them into something positive. Give it a try instead of losing your temper.

There are many ways to respond to criticism. You can learn, develop or you can

• Give up and quit.
• Retaliate and get mad.
• Ignore the feedback.

As a player, you must stop taking feedback personally and understand that it’s only information designed to help you.

Crying, arguing and even fighting is not going to help you. It might release some bottled emotions but then what?

What about quitting?

Giving up doesn’t work either. Once you quit it might feel a little safer but what about your dreams and ambitions. You can’t win in the game of soccer if you’re not on the playing field.

What about getting angry? Is this a good strategy?

If you attack the feedback source, which is extremely valuable to you, what good is that? The feedback will stop and so will your learning experience and development.

At the end of the day, feedback is just information. Don’t make it personal and never try and clash with individuals.

Next time you’re confronted with criticism or negative feedback I want you to try something new. Can you do that for me?

I want you to say this,

“Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.”

What ever you do, don’t be sarcastic. If you can say those words after being criticized then you my friend will build enough character to become the soccer player that you’ve dreamt of.

The players that continue to react will either disappear from the game or will spend a lifetime on the bench.

The choice is yours.

Your father screams from the grandstands instructing you on how to play.

Rival supporters ridicule and taunt you.

Sound familiar?

Whether you play professionally or for fun, I‘d be very surprised if you haven’t encountered or experienced one of the above scenarios.

So what happens next?

In most of these interactions, we take a defensive stand and drop our head along with our shoulders while looking at the ground. We try and ignore it and we inevitably take up a defensive posture.

Adopting a defensive posture is a significant problem amongst the majority of young players.

Why is it a problem?

Being defensive or even scared is static. You cannot improve or enjoy yourself when you feel threatened.

The best way to combat this is to be smarter than your situation and acknowledge it. Not only acknowledge it, embrace it with a smile and adopt a different approach.

The best way to deal with over zealous supporters, coaches or even parents is to use a scientific approach and implement certain scientific principles. Remember science is studied, tested and proven.

So what’s my point?

Next time you’re confronted with a difficult situation don’t react but ask yourself the following,

Why is this happening?

How can I change this situation?

What has worked in the past?

What doesn’t work?

If you enter a situation or even a conversation looking for something to test, measure, compare and ultimately change, there is a good chance you’ll find it.

By using a scientific approach of testing, measuring and concluding, inevitably you’ll find the solution that suits you best. There’s no change or conclusion if you react to the situation, you only prolong the turmoil which will inevitably lead to bigger problems. Believe me when I tell you I‘m overqualified in this department. Reacting to fans, parents and at times coaches was my specialty. Have you ever been police escorted out of a ground because fans wanted to kill you? I have!

If you do not react but take a scientific approach you become stronger, smarter and the strangle hold of fear is diminished. But on the other hand, if you enter situations being reactive or fearing the worst, you are maintaining the status quo and that’s exactly what you’ll receive. So don’t do it!

Players of all ages read soccer books looking for confirmation. Looking for answers that maybe the author isn’t qualified to give. Reading books to acknowledge that the problems you face in soccer are real is a waste of time. Confirmation of your problems is cheap, easy and ineffective to say the least. So what if you share the same problems or difficult situations as millions of other players. How does this help you?

My quest has always been to disprove the common beliefs of soccer and to challenge them. No need to flex your muscles along with your attitude to prove that you’re not scared. Don’t react like other players because it’s the norm.

You should be looking to create waves and create restlessness inside of you, not others.

Demand yourself to test, measure yourself and make your own conclusions. Only through your own “scientific research” will you be able to push forward.

So next time you decide to yell back, launch that upper cut or react to the opposing supporters, don’t. Whether you like it or not, the scientific approach works. You can apply it or you can become like the millions of players that will react and become a part of the status quo.

Have you ever wondered why some players command respect from their coaches and team mates while others are virtually ignored? Have you ever wondered why some players will consistently carry out instructions of one coach but only grudgingly do what another coach requests?

Next time you’re at training look around you. You’ll observe this kind of behavior and distinction with 100% certainty. If you take it one step further and watch closely, you’ll observe that some players command respect, loyalty and even admiration while others do not.

Upon further investigation, you’ll notice the players that command respect are not necessarily the best in the team. So what’s going on? What’s the difference? Can we explain this phenomenon and have you ever noticed this in the past?

If you’ve played the game long enough, chances are you’ve experienced the admiration or even the neglect. If you have not, then you’ve probably been playing soccer blindly.

Looking back to my playing days, I received a big serving of admiration from loyal fans and certain coaches. But on the same token I received periods of neglect. So how would I explain this?

Let me start with a bold statement,

“We receive the kind of treatment we think we deserve”

Sounds easy enough doesn’t? But let me explain this with a few examples.

I remember vividly the day I scored the winner in the dieing minutes to help get my team promoted. To say I was happy, ecstatic or any other word wouldn’t give that feeling justice.

The admiration, the love, the happiness, the confidence I received for the following months was unbelievable. If there was a cloud 9, I was definitely on it.

So why did I command respect, admiration, love and loyalty? Was it the goal? Or was it my persona, my altered ego or even my thinking that demanded the respect.

After the goal I walked around like I was King. At one stage I thought I was the King and I’m not referring to Elvis. Head high, chest out and a spring in my step like you wouldn’t believe. The only thing that was missing when I paraded around was the “staying alive” soundtrack playing in the background.

Thinking was the key here. I “thought I was this and that”. Believe it or not thinking does make it so. Others see in us what we see in ourselves. When I thought I was King and on top of the world, people treated me accordingly.

Okay, let’s fast forward into the start of the following season. Having partied during the off season, I arrived for pre-season lacking fitness and preparation. To put it politely, I was slightly unfit. No preparation and no fitness only leads to one destination.

Do you know where that is?

It’s called the physio’s bench. Injury killed any chance of me having a solid pre-season. The season starts and the fitness levels have not improved from my off season antics. Having just recovered from injury, unfit and lacking match sharpness the confidence levels were running at a loss. To say I felt inferior or unsuitable to compete would be an understatement.

So what happens next?

Now my thinking has changed from being the King, to feeling inferior. Also all the admiration, respect that I demanded was gone. You can’t hide your feelings and thoughts and any lie, cover up or bluff is so transparent that even a young child could see straight through you.

So what’s my point?

The player, who feels inferior or doesn’t feel important, isn’t! Simple as that!

But when you feel good and think you’re the best, you start to demand that sort of respect. At the end of the day you have to know yourself. Don’t accept your admiration as conclusive evidence that you are in fact, a good player.

So the lesson learnt after 30 years,

To demand respect, admiration as a soccer player, we must think we are important. Through this thinking others will think so too.

How you think determines how you act.

How you act in turn determines how others react to you.

So the choice is yours, admiration or neglect, I know what I’d be thinking.

If you don’t know what to do, and you’re scared, might as well panic.

Will this help?

Getting scared, fearing the worst, mismanaging your imagination seems to be the first rule of being a member of the human race. Why would soccer players be any different?

It seems in soccer and in life, panicking is an acceptable substitute for clear thinking, planning and taking action. I remember watching anxious players in the dressing room blame the players that were calm and not panicking.

“Don’t you care?”
“Liven up; this is a big game for us”
“Can’t you see that we’re all gonna lose”
“C’mon we need this or else”

Let me quickly explain something. There’s huge pressure on players, managers and clubs to panic. I know what you’re thinking, I’ve lost it.

If for no other reason, players should panic, they should panic as a sign that they care, that they are taking things seriously. That they’re not wasting their time or the time of the loyal supporters.

Let me add this, referring to anxiety and panic attacks as caring really takes the edge off. So next time your nervous, quickly shrug it off as caring.

This process is called decision making. It’s your choice how you deal with your own pre-match emotions. But remember this; more time does not create better decisions. Let the truth be said that more time decreases the quality of the decision.

More encouragement or information might help, but more time without more information just creates anxiety, not insight.

Learn to be decisive! Deciding quickly frees up your most valuable asset, time, so you can concentrate on the game ahead of you.

What happens if, starting from now, you make every decision as soon as you start to panic?  That you decide to convert this emotion into a positive thought, like caring. How would you react to pre-match nerves then? Would it be a good thing to care about your supporters? Bloody oath it would!

So the take home message for today is,

“If you have to panic, so be it, at least it shows you care”.